I hate that I come back here when I’m struggling. I guess this blog is my subconscious pep talk. Today is day one of back on the wagon. Repeat after me…Stephanie Kathleen, empty carbs ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND! Thanks, I feel duly chastised. I let them sneak in when my emotions are running high and they make me feel loved. Really? Is that how I feel loved? I have a Savior who died for me, a husband who honestly values me more than I often value myself, children who love me so much that they drive me insane…er…insaner???…that could be a word, a family who loves me and friends I can turn to. Nope, every time I try to keep it all locked up and feed it carbs to keep it quiet. The thing is, when that momentary emotional breakdown passes…I still keep eating carbs!
So, here I am once again telling you I screwed up and now I’m trying to make it all go away. You don’t see that pile of nonsense I swept under the rug, do you? The thing is, as well as I can put on the, “Nothings wrong here, nothing to see here, move along.” face. That pile of nonsense is still there. The evidence is on the scale. Well the evidence is more on my thighs and tummy but, you catch my drift. You can’t eat crappy foods and graze all day without consequences. In this case, the consequences are 10 lbs I don’t want to hang out with.
I suppose the reason I keep coming back here to blog my failures, is to celebrate. Why? Who celebrates their failures? Me I guess. If I’m back here blogging through my struggle, that means that I haven’t given in. I haven’t thrown in the towel. I am determined to persevere and change my situation. The day I decide to stop coming, “back again” and admitting my mistakes as I dust myself off, is the day I quit trying. I pray that day never comes. Maybe some of you will get tired of reading. Maybe you will think, here we go again. Maybe that’s not what matters to me. Maybe I do this so that I can help not only myself get back to my plan but, help the other people who have fallen and want to pick themselves up. I know how alone you can feel and how you can be so abusive in your thoughts about yourself that you can’t fathom why anyone else values you at all. You’re never alone. My first stop is always God, then the people I’m closest to, and then it’s you. Whoever may be reading this and needing to push through a hard moment will know that we have to keep fighting the fight, one day at a time.
It is 12:03 on day one, I am already sick of protein. I want a damn cracker! Hmm…have I mentioned I am crabby when I go off of carbs? I know you’d never guess from my cheery typing. I have had egg, meat and then some more meat so far. Looking forward to dinner. I am making a, Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad. I will use Greek yogurt with my ranch mix. Grilled chicken breast, 1/2 slice of crumbled bacon, the big red tomato from my garden (I’m so excited!), a quarter of an avocado, and some lettuce and onion. I love the idea of the lettuce, tomato and avocado. I seriously can’t wait for them. I guess I CAN wait but, I don’t wanna. I also promise to be good and eat the chicken first. No really, pinkie swear!
I am currently on my third, 32 oz. cup of water today. That is another thing I let slide when I’m eating poorly. I mean come on…if I filled up by drinking all of my water, where would my crackers go? Just an FYI, Wheat Thins are a delicious, evil, member of the carb family. They seem sweet and innocent but, don’t say I didn’t warn ya!
The weirdest thing about my “falling off the wagon” is that I LOVE healthy, fresh, foods. I don’t know why I turn to packaged junk when I feel bad. I make delicious and healthy meals all of the time. I love to experiment and find ways to lighten up dishes. However, when I’m in carb mode I don’t even want to cook.
A couple of examples of things I have made lately. Chicken Nachos; 1 pound grilled chunks of chicken breast with a chile spiced rub, 2 slices of crumbled bacon, 2 oz. of shredded sharp cheddar/Monterey Jack cheese, baked butternut squash cubes with a spice rub, and some green onion. That was enough food for my husband and I to eat 2 meals.
Simple half chicken, half lean beef meatballs basted with sf bbq sauce stuffed with a 1/4 oz cube of mozzarella cheese and wrapped in 1/3 slice of bacon, then baked. Fresh mozz., grape tomatoes from the garden, fresh basil, and a little balsamic, served inside of a hallowed out and steamed zucchini half. 2 pounds of meat made 16 meatballs.
I am perfectly capable of feeding myself properly. Why don’t I?
Hmm, I do want to point out that those meals were made weeks apart. I don’t use bacon in every meal I prepare. Says the lady making Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad, for dinner. 🙂
I end this with a plea to anyone who reads this. This weekend there was a mass shooting in Florida. No matter what your beliefs are, what your political affiliation, how you feel about people’s lifestyle choices, please be kind. I have seen some of the ugliest and most hate filled rants on social media the past 24 hours. When did we become a country full of people who only feel compassion for others, IF THEY SHARE OUR BELIEFS? It used to be, if you saw someone hurting you hurt for them, you didn’t judge them and spew your ugly hatred. As a Christian I am so saddened that some of the hate flowing is being touted as, “in the name of God”. Please realize that just because, some small sect is twisting God’s Word, are louder and more public, that doesn’t mean they speak for the majority. My heart hurts for those who lost partners, sons, daughters, friends, and loved ones. My prayers are with them. Division will only make the wounds deeper. If you pray, then please pray for those who are hurting and in need of comfort today.