Day #4 kicking my booty butt, NO ENERGY! ~By: Steph

Hi Friends.  I feel as though I’ve been trapped on a dessert island with no water, no food that tastes good, and a thousand screaming kids.  I mean you know it’s going to be a good daycare day when, it starts with vomiting, and ends with a power outage.  Do you feel my pain??? Come on. I AM NOT just being whiney and carby crabby. Okay, all in all it wasn’t a bad day and I’m feeling pretty good about my ability to reset right now.  It’s just more fun to whine about things some days.  Ask my kids!

I am on day #4 of kicking the added sugars and empty carbs.  I only need about 8 more days like this to assure myself that I’m in control of the Carb Monster.  He’s scary and follows me around trying to shove toast in my mouth.  Ooohhh, toast with cinnamon and sugar!  Ugh, I must stop giving the Carb Monster any ideas!

Anyhow, I just thought I’d post a sample of what a good day looks like for me.  Remember I am a sleever and I’m 4 years out.  My portions aren’t huge but, they aren’t teensy either. I definitely embrace the idea of cocktail forks and appetizer plates to keep my eyes from telling my brain that I need more food. If I find something I really enjoy, I will keep going back to it for several days. Then one day I will look at it and think, “No way am I going to eat this again!”  My lunch and breakfast are often the same all week. I am all for carbs from natural sources; dairy, nuts, fruit, veggies, legumes, etc.

Day #1

B- (not pictured) 1 scrambled egg, 1 oz steak and salsa.

L- Turkey rolled up with a Laughing Cow light wedge, 1 stalk of celery, 1 TBL Jalapeno artichoke dip, and 3 grape tomatoes.

S- 1/2 cup watermelon.

D- 3 oz chicken, 1/2 oz cheddar, 1/2 slice thin cut bacon, 5 grape tomatoes, and 1 cup of lettuce, with 1 TBL light ranch.

S- Frozen, PBfit & Triple Zero Greek yogurt bites.

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Day #2

B- Iced Protein Coffee.

L- Celery stalk with Jalapeno Artichoke dip, 2 slices turkey breast rolled up with a Laughing Cow light wedge, 5 blackberries.

S- Leftover salad with 2 oz grilled chicken.

D- Taco salad; 2.5 oz 9% ground beef, 1/2 oz cheddar, tomato, green onion, 1 cup lettuce, 1 TBL light sour cream mixed with Spicy Ranch seasoning.

S- More PBfit/Triple Zero, frozen bites.

This is the day I totally caved and had a TBL of creamy peanut butter right before bed 😦

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Day #3

B- Iced Protein Coffee.

L- Leftover taco salad.

S- Celery, dip, blackberries, turkey, Laughing Cow light wedge and a few pepperoni chips (1/2 svg Hormel Turkey Pepperoni laid out on a paper towel and microwaved 45 seconds).  This was the day I was super snacky and nibbled on this plate throughout the whole day.

D- Sundried tomato pesto chicken breast with 1 oz part skim mozzarella, and 1/3 an ear of corn on the cob.

S- 1/2 container Triple Zero Greek yogurt, 1 TBL PBfit, and 1 tsp Hershey’s sf syrup, frozen in a little Dixie cup.

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Day #4

B- Protein Iced Coffee.

L- Turkey sandwich made on lengthwise slices of cucumber and rolled up like a sushi roll.

S- About 6 homemade sugar free Japanese style pickled cucumbers.

D- No noodle zucchini lasagna made with 9% ground beef, low fat ricotta, part skim mozzarella, mushrooms, spinach, onions, garlic, and low sugar marinara.

S- Triple Zero peach yogurt.

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I’m satisfied with the changes I’ve made this week and the fact that I’m staying on the right track, with my eating.  I would like to go roll around in the leftover garlic bread from last night’s dinner but…I guess that might rub some carbs off on me.  I would like to eat some crackers so that this headache would go away.  More than both of those things, I’d like to continue being healthy and liking myself a bit more than I used to. 😉

Completely off topic here…You know you’ve been married a while and you’re just generally a bit too weird when you announce, “I am the Getting Rid of Kids Ninja, fear me!  Daycare kids gone. Our kids not in the room.  Bwahahahaha.” and you get absolutely no reaction from your husband as he stares at his phone. Is he now numb to my infinite charm and wit?  Naw…couldn’t be!

Hugs and good choices to you all!

 

 

 

 

Hard Times? Yep…I’m back again. ~By: Steph

 

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I hate that I come back here when I’m struggling.  I guess this blog is my subconscious pep talk. Today is day one of back on the wagon.  Repeat after me…Stephanie Kathleen, empty carbs ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND!  Thanks, I feel duly chastised.  I let them sneak in when my emotions are running high and they make me feel loved. Really?  Is that how I feel loved?  I have a Savior who died for me, a husband who honestly values me more than I often value myself, children who love me so much that they drive me insane…er…insaner???…that could be a word, a family who loves me and friends I can turn to.  Nope, every time I try to keep it all locked up and feed it carbs to keep it quiet.  The thing is, when that momentary emotional breakdown passes…I still keep eating carbs!

So, here I am once again telling you I screwed up and now I’m trying to make it all go away.  You don’t see that pile of nonsense I swept under the rug, do you?  The thing is, as well as I can put on the, “Nothings wrong here, nothing to see here, move along.” face.  That pile of nonsense is still there. The evidence is on the scale. Well the evidence is more on my thighs and tummy but, you catch my drift.  You can’t eat crappy foods and graze all day without consequences.  In this case, the consequences are 10 lbs I don’t want to hang out with.

I suppose the reason I keep coming back here to blog my failures, is to celebrate.  Why? Who celebrates their failures?  Me I guess.  If I’m back here blogging through my struggle, that means that I haven’t given in.  I haven’t thrown in the towel. I am determined to persevere and change my situation.  The day I decide to stop coming, “back again” and admitting my mistakes as I dust myself off, is the day I quit trying.  I pray that day never comes.  Maybe some of you will get tired of reading.  Maybe you will think, here we go again. Maybe that’s not what matters to me.  Maybe I do this so that I can help not only myself get back to my plan but, help the other people who have fallen and want to pick themselves up.  I know how alone you can feel and how you can be so abusive in your thoughts about yourself that you can’t fathom why anyone else values you at all.  You’re never alone.  My first stop is always God, then the people I’m closest to, and then it’s you.  Whoever may be reading this and needing to push through a hard moment will know that we have to keep fighting the fight, one day at a time.

It is 12:03 on day one, I am already sick of protein.  I want a damn cracker!  Hmm…have I mentioned I am crabby when I go off of carbs?  I know you’d never guess from my cheery typing. I have had egg, meat and then some more meat so far.  Looking forward to dinner.  I am making a, Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad.  I will use Greek yogurt with my ranch mix.  Grilled chicken breast, 1/2 slice of crumbled bacon, the big red tomato from my garden (I’m so excited!), a quarter of an avocado, and some lettuce and onion.  I love the idea of the lettuce, tomato and avocado.  I seriously can’t wait for them. I guess I CAN wait but, I don’t wanna. I also promise to be good and eat the chicken first. No really, pinkie swear!

I am currently on my third, 32 oz. cup of water today.  That is another thing I let slide when I’m eating poorly. I mean come on…if I filled up by drinking all of my water, where would my crackers go?  Just an FYI, Wheat Thins are a delicious, evil, member of the carb family. They seem sweet and innocent but, don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

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Isn’t she lovely? That’s a bad picture, it’s not her good side, the lighting was wrong, but, she’s absolutely perfect!!!

The weirdest thing about my “falling off the wagon” is that I LOVE healthy, fresh, foods.  I don’t know why I turn to packaged junk when I feel bad. I make delicious and healthy meals all of the time.  I love to experiment and find ways to lighten up dishes.  However, when I’m in carb mode I don’t even want to cook.

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Chicken “Nachos”

A couple of examples of things I have made lately. Chicken Nachos; 1 pound  grilled chunks of chicken breast with a chile spiced rub, 2 slices of crumbled bacon, 2 oz. of shredded sharp cheddar/Monterey Jack cheese, baked butternut squash cubes with a spice rub, and some green onion.  That was enough food for my husband and I to eat 2 meals.

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BBQ stuffed meatball and Caprese Salad in a steamed zucchini boat.

Simple half chicken, half lean beef meatballs basted with sf bbq sauce stuffed with a 1/4 oz cube of mozzarella cheese and wrapped in 1/3 slice of bacon, then baked.  Fresh mozz., grape tomatoes from the garden, fresh basil, and a little balsamic, served inside of a hallowed out and steamed zucchini half. 2 pounds of meat made 16 meatballs.

 

I am perfectly capable of feeding myself properly.  Why don’t I?

Hmm, I do want to point out that those meals were made weeks apart.  I don’t use bacon in every meal I prepare.  Says the lady making Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad, for dinner. 🙂

I end this with a plea to anyone who reads this.  This weekend there was a mass shooting in Florida.  No matter what your beliefs are, what your political affiliation, how you feel about people’s lifestyle choices, please be kind.  I have seen some of the ugliest and most hate filled rants on social media the past 24 hours. When did we become a country full of people who only feel compassion for others, IF THEY SHARE OUR BELIEFS?  It used to be, if you saw someone hurting you hurt for them, you didn’t judge them and spew your ugly hatred.  As a Christian I am so saddened that some of the hate flowing is being touted as, “in the name of God”.  Please realize that just because, some small sect is twisting God’s Word, are louder and more public, that doesn’t mean they speak for the majority. My heart hurts for those who lost partners, sons, daughters, friends, and loved ones.  My prayers are with them. Division will only make the wounds deeper.  If you pray, then please pray for those who are hurting and in need of comfort today.

You know you’ve raised em’ right when… ~By:Steph

21448388b155887fd5d72692cee4f539Hope you all enjoyed your Mother’s Day weekend.  I had a really nice weekend and it actually felt like a real weekend.  That doesn’t happen often.  Saturday we did some shopping and my husband took me to Ulta to ahem…grab a Mother’s Day gift for myself.  I did use the proper mom etiquette and tell the kids, “Thank you.” when I walked in with my gift.  Hey, at least I don’t have to sit around thinking, “Really? This is what they thought I’d like?” 😉  Don’t judge me… you know you’ve been there!

My eating has pretty much been right on track this past week. This is a nice change.  I decided to keep myself focused on Mother’s Day.  Saturday evening I made a Strawberry Cream Cheese Delight on an almond crust & a lemon cheesecake on that same almond crust.  Both low carb, both had no added sugars and both had really nice calorie counts of less than 200 cals per serving.  It always freaks me out when I read “low carb” recipes with 5000 calories per serving.  My Noodle and I cut up a ton of fruit and made a fruit plate for Mother’s Day and one for home.

I figured the kitchen was already messy from all that baking nonsense so I may as well try another recipe out.  I’m pretty glad I did.  I tried cloud bread.  For those of you who don’t know what it is, I will put a link.  I found one recipe that called for sour cream instead of cream cheese and decided that’s what I’d try.  I’d already blown through a lot of cream cheese by this time.  I was a little worried about the whipping of the egg whites but, no disasters occurred and we had stiff peaks! I am NOT a baker.  Too many rules, too many bowls and measuring cups, dirtied. All in all the cloud bread was a success and pretty tasty.  I do need to use a flat baking sheet next time rather than, the 15 year old misshapen one that I chose to use. Although, it would make for less interesting shapes. I’m willing to sacrifice my art. I expected these little breads to be pretty gross and not at all bread like.  I was very surprised.  They browned up nicely, had good flavor and had a mouth feel that was very similar to bread. http://pin.it/x2ChXmY

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Low Carb Cloud Bread Top and bottom views.

 

Sunday the Big Guy and I headed to church early, to serve.  We were actually on time. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that Noodle brought Wild Bee and Monster Boy with her later.  They walked into church with some very pretty flowers and on time.  I was a happy mama!  Don’t you love that book “Llama Llama mad at Mama?”  Oops…sidetracked.  My mom and I showed up at church looking like we were trying to be matchy-matchy.  Totally cool, right?  So, a lovely friend, insisted on snapping a picture.  My Mom-mom attended service, it’s always nice to have her visit the church.  Even had a surprise text from my Lucy who informed me that she and her Ricky were playing hookie from their church and visiting ours.  So I had a lot of people I love to pieces, worshiping in one building.

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Me and my Mommy

Headed over to my Mom’s with the food and decided that the girls needed to take a field trip to Ulta and browse the makeup.  Found some fun stuff  got our “free gift with purchase” which is why we went there in the first place and then headed to Dutch Bros. while the men folk bbq’d for us.  Dutch Bros. on a normal day is insane.  Dutch Bros. on Mother’s Day when moms get $1.00 drinks…COMPLETE AND UTTER INSANITY.  We did not help this situation by ordering 9 drinks while we were there.  WHAT? We had to be nice and take the guys something!  Headed back to Mom’s with my sf strawberry/coconut iced green tea and we seriously got out of there for only $18.00.  Plus they made one of our drinks twice and gave it to us with a smile and a “Happy Mother’s Day”!  WOO HOO, extra sf green tea for Mom and me!  Well, maybe…I’m pretty sure I drank them both. It’s good to get all your fluids in. I wasn’t selfish, I was health conscious!

After dinner which was delicious and full of some really healthy choices, we headed to the other room and did makeovers on my Mom and Mom-mom.  The girls and I had fun playing with makeup and they got pampered. End result gave us a very nice picture with 4 generations in it.  My Mom even put on her “fancy hair”!

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I have to say that by far the most interesting part of my Mother’s Day was my Monster Boy’s gift. A little background…my son hates to draw or color and has questionable handwriting.  When we got home on Sunday evening he pulled a paper out of his backpack.  I stared at it for a bit and then said, “Thank you, it’s beautiful.”  I was holding a very neatly handwritten paper with my name on it (spelled incorrectly), tulips drawn on it and colored. He smiles and says, “The teacher gave us time to make our moms a card.  I had my friend ‘A’ write it for me, ‘B’ draws cool things and I picked the design for him to draw and then, ‘C’ colored it because, she had colored pencils.”  I guess you know you’ve raised em’ right when they contract out your Mother’s Day gift in the 5th grade! My little CEO in the making. 😉

 

A fun weekend, had my dessert and stayed on track, got presents…I like presents, and spent time with my crazy butt family!  Wins all around 🙂

Fajitas and Zoodles and Salad, oh my! ~By: Steph

Well, I have made it to Wednesday and not killed anyone.  Laying off of the unhealthy carbs kind of makes me feel murderous…I mean less than Mary Sunshine. This shall pass and hopefully my family will survive my mood swings and they in turn do not lock me in a closet. Personally I think mood swings are awesome. My lucky husband gets a new wife each time he walks in the door. SURPRISE, BIG GUY! At least I’m not boring to live with. Hmm…anyhow, let’s move on 😉

I’m in the zone.  Not sure exactly what zone.  I am using our pantry, freezer, and fridge like a pro. Saturday’s leftover grilled steaks became, Monday’s fajitas with fresh peppers, onions, and homemade mango salsa. Wish I’d snapped a photo of it.  It was a very colorful and pretty dish.

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Zoodles w/meatballs & sauce.

Tuesday I grabbed a container of 7% ground beef/hot Italian chicken sausage meatballs and sauce out of the freezer.  Meatballs are one of my favorite foods to make. (I used to make them with 1/2 ground turkey and 1/2 lean ground beef.  I love the chicken so much more.  It has great flavor and the texture is nicer than ground turkey.) As my friend Becky would say, “SQUIRREL!” I got sidetracked with the meatballs and forgot to mention what I made with them.  I zoodlefied (yep that’s the word I’m stickin’ with.) some zucchini, julienned red pepper/onion, sautéed them with cooking spray and seasonings, then set aside.  Added a bit of garlic infused olive oil and mushrooms to the pan and sautéed until golden.  Mixed it all together, added a couple of meatballs and sauce on top. This =’d YUMMINESS.

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Taco salad with mango salsa.

Today’s meal was the leftover mango salsa over a taco salad.  My carby indulgence besides the salsa, was black beans cooked in chicken stock, with chile, cumin and onion. They were delicious on a plain little taco salad.

Simple meals, using up what’s on hand and keeping on track.  I’ve been setting aside a portion of dinner for the next day’s lunch. Making a protein shake for breakfast. Reduced fat cheese, fruit, a slice of lunchmeat, etc have been my snacks. Yay for 3 days of good choices!

Oh, I have to mention how much I love my little appetizer plates and bowls.  I have several different ones and I love eating off of something pretty 🙂 I think my next purchase is going to be little cocktail forks. It feels weird using a fork bigger than the plate.  Using bigger plates leads me to pushing past my limit. In my head I’m still a clean your plate, kinda gal.

Trying to stay accountable and lay it all out here.  It’s a struggle to reset your eating but, we have to value ourselves enough to do it.  There’s no, “good reason”, to knowingly make frequent unhealthy choices.  We can blame our circumstances but, that won’t change anything.   We have to work for what we need. That’s what I’m once again deciding to do.

 

Honesty Sucks Sometimes ~By:Steph

Reset

I think I have “reset” myself on this journey about 5016 times…this month. Okay maybe these past 4 years.  I am happy with the fact that I do indeed have the desire and the drive to reset.  I am grateful for the strength I find in the Lord, to not just chuck everything and dive into a carb filled pool of deliciousness for the rest of my life.  Sometimes I even entertain the thought of just giving up and eating what I want and quitting the healthy rollercoaster ride.  Just when I feel like I’ve got things under control and I have changed my thinking and relationship with food, ABRACADABRA…something happens.  I know this is something I need to figure out and I’m honestly trying.

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I definitely have always had issues with depression and anxiety.  I take medication and feel okay most of the time.  Prayer has helped immensely with this struggle.  I think that if I am going to blog, I have to blog the good and the bad.  I have to share my HONEST experience not just the healthy recipes and victories. So here goes, I fell off the wagon.  Actually, I think the wagon jerked to a stop, slung me out in front of it and then ran over me. Do wagons have reverse? If so, I may have been backed over too.  I had a family member diagnosed with cancer…again.  I thought I handled it well.  I prayed, I focused on the positive, I said all of the right things to myself.  However, on the inside I think, it hit me harder.  It brought up thoughts of another family member’s diagnosis last year, and all of the emotions of that time. Depression lessens my will to resist carbs.  For the past several weeks I have been indulging in things I hadn’t eaten in months. Things I know better than eating.  I pushed through the dumping and got to the point where sugar didn’t get to me or at least I didn’t physically feel awful when I ate it.

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On Saturday night, I realized I was really struggling. I gave myself a pep talk, I prayed and decided I had to fix this.  On Sunday I heard the best possible message preached for my state of mind.  So, guess what?  RESET…again.  Yesterday went pretty well. Today is more of a struggle but, I’m doing fine.  I do admit though, I am craving those foods I am pushing out. I know that if I can get through a couple of weeks, the worn out, headachey (yep headachey), feelings of withdrawl and cravings will go away.  I just need to actually DO THIS for 2 weeks.  I think that now that I am fully aware of what was in the back of my mind and focused on it, I will be okay.  If not, I’ll be honest about that too.

That was the bad news.  The good news is I know that my God is bigger than the problems in my head.  The other good news is that my Big Guy and I actually were able to go on a very unexpected mini getaway weekend before last.  Left Saturday morning and came home Monday afternoon.  We hit a lot of coastal towns in that short time frame. It was our first getaway without the kids in 2 years. We were in need of a little couple time.  We had beautiful weather, gorgeous beaches, antique shops (yes, I’m 80 yrs old at heart), time to relax together and reconnect.  Despite my humidty hair, it was an amazing weekend that almost didn’t happen.  First I didn’t want to ask for time off on such short notice.  Then we didn’t know what to do with the kids.  Thank you to my Noodle for being an awesome big sister and watching the Bee and the Monster Boy for us.  Last, it was our month to serve as greeter’s at church so I felt super guilty calling people last minute and asking them to cover us.  It all worked out and we had the help of some really gracious people who encouraged us to go and enjoy ourselves.

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I’ll end it with this, I’m grateful that I have an amazing Big Guy who supports me and encourages me.  I have good friends who care and listen when I need to be insane for a moment.  I have healthy, amazing, pain in the rear, kids who I love to pieces. I have a family who are a blessing. I have a God who makes ALL THINGS POSSIBLE.  Even things like helping me overcome my self defeating thoughts and internal dialogue.  I am blessed beyond measure and need to focus on that and not setbacks. 

Hope you are having a wonderful week.  If you are interested in the current message series that I have been talking about, please leave a comment or message me.  I will get you the links for our church website.  Changing our thoughts is difficult, NOT impossible.

Take one small step and focus on a way to be kind to yourself at least once a day this week.  These little steps add up.

 

 

Fat head? ~ By: Stephanie

If you’re anything like me, you think that weight loss will change your thinking.   In my case it has and it hasn’t. My mind is not so friendly to me some days.

I used to sit and obsess over what I was going to eat at a restaurant.  Imagining every yummy bite of food and the big plates. Now I sit down in a restaurant and imagine all of the money I’m going to pay in comparison to what I will eat. I grocery shop for the ingredients in my head and curse the markup!

I used to get into a car and pull the seatbelt all of the way out and say a prayer it would buckle. I now get into the car without a second thought to the seatbelt.

I used to cringe at the thought of my husband or kids, friends meeting me.  I worried about how people would judge them because, of my size. I now am more open to these introductions.

I used to eye a chair or booth with skepticism, wondering if I’d fit into it or if it was strong enough to hold me. Wondering if it would look like the table was a shelf for my boobs to rest on.  I now don’t even have these thoughts or much of those things called, “boobs” without an amazing bra!  All hail underwire.

I used to avoid turnstiles like the plague. I would have happily army crawled under them if it was allowed.  When I had to go through one, I’d turn sideways and suck in my tummy. Or have to endure the shame when the person working the turnstile took pity on me and directed me to the little gate off to the side.  I now still turn sideways and have that moment of panic before going through a turnstile. Why? Who knows old habit???

I used to walk into a room and look to see if I was the biggest one there. I now walk into a room and look to see if I’m the biggest one there. SIGH…My Big Guy LOVES when I say, “Am I her size? Would I be her size if I were 4 inches taller and had hips?” these are a few of his faaaavorite things…

I used to have to do contortions to paint my toenails without passing out. I now can easily paint my toes like a normal person. I can also now see my toenails when I glance down.  That’s a pretty nifty accomplishment.

I used to look in the mirror and see someone a little smaller than I actually was.  I now look in the mirror and see someone larger than I  am. Yeah, gotta love it. I’d get rid of this mind if I wasn’t so attached to the slivers I have left of it.  I’m a mom, I lost most of that thing, years ago.

I used to wear capri pants and flip flops in the middle of winter. I didn’t own a jacket.  I now wear thermals under my jeans, topped by snow pants and 6 pair of socks, while trying to fight the urge to climb into the oven, if the temperature drops below 70.  Btw, my mind tells me I wouldn’t fit in the oven. It may actually be right this time.

I used to hate shopping for clothes, dreaded having to try them on and see myself in those evil, tri-fold mirrors. I now love shopping for clothes and trying them on.  I just wish I had a little fashion elf in my pocket, that would put it’s itty bitty hand on it’s hip and say, “Girl, don’t you even THINK about going there.” when I pick something strange.

I used to think that everything would be magically different if I just lost weight.  I now know that while many things change, we still have the same struggles as before. Only now we must learn to deal with them WITHOUT food.  I think that was one of the toughest lessons I learned in this process.  Weight loss isn’t like rubbing a genie’s lamp. If it was, I’d ask that genie to shrink and iron my birthday suit. It is a physical, and emotional process.  Relationships will be affected.  Your coping skills are affected.  The way you view yourself will be affected.

My Big Guy and I went through some serious struggles in the first 1 1/2 years after my wls. After a lifetime of being big, it felt strange to be “normal” size. I allowed people to cross boundaries because, I didn’t know how to respond to compliments.  On the outside I seemed more confident and willing to step out of my comfort zone. On the inside I was falling apart.  Dealing with life is hard when you lose the one thing that always gave you comfort…FOOD.  We had kind of split up but, like any tumultuous relationship, food kept pulling me back in.  I still was attracted to food.  I couldn’t just give food up.  We had too many years and memories together. There was a constant battle between my mind and my tummy. I was becoming very depressed. Putting on an act so that my outside seemed perfectly together.  It’s an exhausting way to live.  I pushed my husband away.  Doubted his sincerity when he complimented me.  It took a toll on our marriage.  I was trying to figure out who I was becoming and Big Guy was forced to adjust each time something changed.  I am grateful to God for holding us together and I am grateful to my husband for his willingness to go to counseling with me.  It strengthened our relationship in every way.  It definitely didn’t happen over night but, it was worth every bit of effort we put into it. We are both very aware of the fact that God worked on our marriage and our hearts.

Another hurdle I am still trying to clear is, the way I view myself.  I still see myself as larger than I am. I don’t see myself up near my highest weight but, about 40 pounds heavier than I am.  I can go to a store, try clothes on (Usually grabbing sizes too big for me before admitting I need the smaller ones.) and buy them.  Bring them home hang them up and then the panic sets in.  I look at the clothes on the hanger and can’t really grasp that they fit me.  I start to doubt myself and talk myself out of wearing them because, of how I’ll look.  Case in point, my Easter dress.  I loved it in the store.  Tried it on, got opinions, came home tried it on again and got compliments on it. Then as days went by I started freaking out about wearing it.  I was going to return it.  I’m so glad I didn’t.  I actually felt put together and pretty in it after I saw the pictures.

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You see, I don’t know what I look like aside from pictures. The person I see in the mirror and the person I see in a picture of myself are NOT the same size.  For me to truly see myself, I have to see a photograph.  I still have weight to lose and I’m okay with that. I will never have a perfectly flat tummy and I’m okay with that. We will not even talk about my arms and thighs but, I’m okay with them.  The one thing I pray will change, is my view of myself.  It’s something I am willing to work towards.

What are your non-scale related struggles, relating to your weight loss?  I think we all must have some.  Maybe not, it could just be me.  I could be unique like the majestic platypus.

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, okay I’ve been away for a while…AGAIN By: Steph

Here I am again apologizing for not being around much this summer. I have mentioned I run a daycare and summer break is a chaotic, crazy, fun and busy time for me. However, I won’t use that as the excuse for not being around. I’m still struggling. I am doing much better with my eating. I am still not weighing until my 40th birthday at the end of August but, can tell my renewed dedication to logging my food and making exercise a priority has paid off. Clothes that were getting snug or flat out didn’t fit, are fitting fine again and I’m thrilled with that!

I am officially a bit over a year out from surgery now and I will not even pretend it’s been an easy year. Gastric Sleeve surgery isn’t a cure all and it isn’t a magical fairy dust that they sprinkled over me while I was under. It’s a tool and like any tool, if you aren’t putting the work behind it, it just sorta lays there doing nothing. I learned that when I got well….stupid…the first half of this year. So for my fellow “sleevers”, take care of yourselves, physically and mentally. Don’t become lazy, and don’t think just because, you had wls you will lose all your weight and keep it off. I know that MOST of us know this but, there are those cute guys and gals who think this will be the “miracle” they’ve waited for their whole life. You only get out of it what you put into it!

My husband and I are getting ready to head off on vacation to the coast next weekend. It’s been a year since we had a vacation together and I’m excited about it. We are in a much better place as a couple than we were at this time last year. It was just a difficult time as we were adjusting from the previous year of job worries, and in the midst of the year of trials and huge health decisions. ANYWAY…I digress…the point here is that I was thinking of that last vacation and the fact that I had lost a significant amount of weight before it and that I was fresh from surgery when we took off. That made me dig out a picture of the adventure. I will admit it is a crappy picture due to the fact that I was still incredibly ANTI camera at that time. Again…moving on…I became obsessed by that picture and decided that I needed a picture of myself in that outfit so I wore what I could on Friday and tried to get the same pose down and had Joe take a picture. I will say the pants were 4 full sizes too big (so I chose not to wear them lol) for me and the shirt is baggy (can’t tell in the pic really because of quality) but, it has also been taken in about 3 inches on each side of the waist. I can see some differences and others are hard for me to see. I am disappointed there isn’t a bigger change but, honestly it’s just a picture and you can’t see that the shirt was so tight I was pulling at it all day when I wore it last year. The pants I could barely breath in and I was a self conscious wreck in that outfit the whole day because, I thought all my rolls were hanging out all over the place…and that was after a 70 some pre-surgery loss. On Friday I was self conscious because the shirt was baggy even taken in 6 inches and I felt like I was falling out of it. The pants were a size I never thought I’d be and I wasn’t uncomfortable taking the picture after 126 pound total loss. All in all I declare it a success 🙂
Comparison

I am emotionally in a better place than I was last post. I still struggle with some things but, all in all life is good and I’m blessed with a wonderful family. Lately the thing that has been on my mind the most is that I would be getting ready to deliver the baby we lost, this month. I’ve been having dreams about babies and pregnancy. I know it wasn’t God’s Will for us but, I can’t help but, wish things were different. Between this being on my mind and just day to day life with daycare, home, kids, and husband, I am learning to take my desire to eat in another direction. I have been hitting the home gym. Even this afternoon after church when I was livid with someone and had to cool off, the exercise equipment is where I headed to pray it out, NOT the kitchen! That is a huge accomplishment for me.

I have noticed something that makes me really smile huge. This past year my middle child Ebby, has become MY girl. She has been a Daddy’s girl her whole life from the moment she was born. Something changed in the past several months and whatever it is I’m grateful for the time with her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still her Daddy’s girl and will probably totally go that direction again in a short while as we begin to butt heads over “girl” drama but, I am loving this time with her.Ebby I am not sure what that has to do with a weight loss blog but, you are all used to me going off in odd directions 😛

I am not the only one with stuff to share but, since the other stuff isn’t MINE to share…hint, hint, hint, Clint, Clint, Clint…I will let that rest until he decides to come back out and play on the blog! Let’s just say he’s incredibly amazing and accomplished something big at the end of July!

Hugs to you all and thanks for reading even though I’ve been totally flakey all summer.

~Steph