Hi readers who do not include my best friend! She pointed out this weekend that she has read my blog a couple of times…which means probably once 🙂 Well that’s all good and fine and well because, I don’t read her blog either. Oh wait…she doesn’t HAVE a blog! Truth is I’m here for myself so I’m ok with the fact that others may or may not read this. Woo hoo I’m selfish! Not shellfish…I hate shellfish! Although, my co-blogger has declared that shrimp tacos are pretty fantastic. I would rather eat a doughnut made out of canned spinach and topped with lima beans!
Ok so, I may or may not be in a goofy mood today but, either way you will think I am! See I’m tricky like that. I could be sitting here crying in my…Greek yogurt parfait in my bathrobe or birthday suit. You my lovely reader will never know!
The most exciting moment of my day so far? Folding laundry and jumping about a foot off the floor because, a spider crawled across my toe. As I had a mini heart attack and pondered killing it with the clean shirt in my hand, I realized it was a little piece of fuzz from a sweatshirt or something that blew across the floor when I opened the dryer 😛 you never know when one of those dust bunnies could be poisonous!
So, I have major confessions to make. I suck! There I said it. Ok wait what I mean is I am struggling with everything! Life, liberty the pursuit of happiness…or at least with eating my protein and getting exercise in. I will have a couple of great days and then 5 really kinda yucky ones. What is wrong with me and why am I floundering like this? I’m not gaining weight which is a miracle considering what I am shoving in my mouth and the fact that my workouts have been nonexistent lately. I was doing great with C25K and then we got sick and I just let it fall by the wayside. I want nothing but, carbs and sleep. I wonder if those two things go hand in hand? Probably yes, would be my bet! I feel like every time I step on the scale or put on my pants, that I should be prepared to burst into tears. Yet, I’ve been lucky so far.
I’m putting myself on blast here. Letting all of you know where I’m at and that I’m not doing the right things. Any suggestions to get my head back in the game would be appreciated. Maybe just the public admission will be enough to help me overcome the mental roadblocks I’m putting in my way. I’m scared. I’m scared of reaching goal, I’m scared of being this size, I’m scared of never reaching goal, I’m scared of going back to my old size. I’m looking in the mirror and seeing a much larger woman and not knowing how to change that. This is when I want to strangle people who tell me that weight loss surgery is the easy way out! I still have to eat right, I still workout more than most of the people I know who weigh less than me. I still have struggles. There isn’t anything easy about this! It’s the same way I felt and those of you who haven’t had surgery feel when it gets hard to focus. I know I’ve said this before but, we are in this together so let’s help each other out and not judge each other’s methods.
When you all embarked on your weight loss did you think of it as a permanent relocation or did you view it as a sojourn? I went into it viewing it as a journey. But, journeys end. They either end with you at your destination and staying there or you visiting and returning home. I need a more permanent thought process. I don’t want this to be a journey, I definitely don’t want it to be a sojourn so what will it be? I want to consider myself placed in the witness protection program because, the mob is looking for me! They will never stop coming for me but, the old Steph is gone for good, never to be heard from again. She left behind her insecurities, her lack of faith in herself, her fear of the unknown, her fat safety net. I only have what I’m picking up along the way, a rebirth of sorts. Is this too much to ask for? Not really. Will I allow myself to live like this? We will see.
I think I have been in a state of melancholy the past few weeks. Tomorrow will be a big day for me. It’s the anniversary of the day things started unraveling for me last year. I lost so much in the one year period between May 1st, 2012 and today. I gained a lot too but, still the sadness from last year is hanging heavy on my mind the past few weeks. I’ve tried staying upbeat, I’ve tried putting it behind me but, it’s not easy. I’ve asked God to take it from me but, I keep leaving the strings hanging and jumping up to grab them as He pulls them away. I know He is able to take these things but, I also know I have to surrender them and that is where the problem lies. Do you ever feel fear of happiness? Like if I let go of these things I won’t know how to live and who I am. Today I am smiling and feeling good. I am light inside and enjoying the feeling. Still, the other stuff, the baggage is sitting by the door to remind me it’s there waiting.
There are lyrics from a song that fit my thought process right now thank you, Miranda Lambert:
Go & fix your make up, girl it’s just a break up
Run & hide your crazy & start actin like a lady
Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart
Wish I could be just a little less dramatic
Like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames
Leave it to me to be holdin the matches
When the fire trucks show up & there’s nobody else to blame.
It’s not a perfect fit as it’s a breakup song but, it has all the elements for me to identify with it.
I understand that this post is way up and down emotionally but, back to the lighter side 🙂
I have officially developed a love for riding the Harley with Joe. It gives us time to just be together and not think about all my day to day things. We ride every chance we get and miss it when we aren’t able to go.
Tonight is the last night of softball for Evelyn so I can get back to cooking family meals and we can get back to a normal routine. That honestly should help with my eating habits. I know I’m making excuses because, it is perfectly possible to make better choices than I have been, even with a busy weeknight schedule. The girls played their little booties off and kicked some too! They won every game of the official season until last night. Last night they were allowed to decide which position they’d like and race for it! LOL it was chaos but, all the girls had a chance to play new and fun positions so it was well worth the loss. They had a great time and that is what it’s supposed to be about at this age. I’m grateful for a wonderful group of coaches, one of whom is my cousin and he’s amazing with the girls. The picture is right after their dog pile. I loved it and wanted to share. My monster is the one with the white headband.
We will be paying tuition for Jessica’s college classes this week. Seems so unbelievable still.
Joey and I had a 10 minute back and forth session over Hot Dog the Skylander. He excitedly told me, “Mommy, Grandma bought me Hot Dog!” I smiled and said, “Oh cool, I know how much you like hotdogs! Did you have mustard on it?” This turned into a hilarious conversation with my son getting extremely frustrated with me until I finally admitted that I knew what he was talking about the whole time. At which time relief flooded his face because, I guess he realized I wasn’t as dense as he was beginning to fear!
The yard is at a stall for the past two weeks so we really need to get back to it so that it’s finished sometime this summer. The kids have already enjoyed the pool a couple of times and we are hitting near 100 degrees this week. What a way to usher May in!
Bear (the dog) and I had a conversation last week that ended with me banging on the sliding glass door and yelling something along the lines of, “I hope you dehydrate, shrivel up and turn into jerky!” He refuses to leave his water barrel upright and I keep having to go fill it up because, he looks at me all soaking wet and pathetic like, “Mom how come you never give me water…I’m so thirsty!” We have currently agreed to disagree on how that water barrel actually looks better. I feel it looks quite nice sitting near his house all filled up and sparkly. He feels it looks best rolling through the backyard making mud and spewing water all over the patio and him! Btw…he’s the furry one in the pictures above and that was taken the night I hoped he’d turn into jerky!
I attended an awards dinner for my husband and ex husband and tricked my best friend into being my ex-husband’s date for it on Saturday. It was honestly a fun night and not as weird as it sounds. Have I mentioned that the two guys work together? 😉 Caught up with a friend I haven’t seen since right after high-school who works for the same company.
Sunday, went for a motorcycle ride with two friends after church. Had some lunch in the foothills and then came home and washed/styled my hair as fast as I am capable so that I would be ready for the concert I attended Sunday evening. Went to see Chris Tomlin (Christian artist) with Lisa (a good friend and neighbor). It was a nice evening with a girlfriend. Had some dinner, grabbed a Starbucks, went to a wonderful concert and had way more fun than I expected at it. Worshiped in a great way with a few thousand other people and came home to a quiet house with a sleeping family in it. Picture is Joe and I ready for our first real ride on the new bike.
That and a couple of softball games were pretty much my week in a nutshell. Oh I also got a haircut and highlights on Wednesday…I know you are fascinated!
Hope your week is filled with love and smiles,