Day #4 kicking my booty butt, NO ENERGY! ~By: Steph

Hi Friends.  I feel as though I’ve been trapped on a dessert island with no water, no food that tastes good, and a thousand screaming kids.  I mean you know it’s going to be a good daycare day when, it starts with vomiting, and ends with a power outage.  Do you feel my pain??? Come on. I AM NOT just being whiney and carby crabby. Okay, all in all it wasn’t a bad day and I’m feeling pretty good about my ability to reset right now.  It’s just more fun to whine about things some days.  Ask my kids!

I am on day #4 of kicking the added sugars and empty carbs.  I only need about 8 more days like this to assure myself that I’m in control of the Carb Monster.  He’s scary and follows me around trying to shove toast in my mouth.  Ooohhh, toast with cinnamon and sugar!  Ugh, I must stop giving the Carb Monster any ideas!

Anyhow, I just thought I’d post a sample of what a good day looks like for me.  Remember I am a sleever and I’m 4 years out.  My portions aren’t huge but, they aren’t teensy either. I definitely embrace the idea of cocktail forks and appetizer plates to keep my eyes from telling my brain that I need more food. If I find something I really enjoy, I will keep going back to it for several days. Then one day I will look at it and think, “No way am I going to eat this again!”  My lunch and breakfast are often the same all week. I am all for carbs from natural sources; dairy, nuts, fruit, veggies, legumes, etc.

Day #1

B- (not pictured) 1 scrambled egg, 1 oz steak and salsa.

L- Turkey rolled up with a Laughing Cow light wedge, 1 stalk of celery, 1 TBL Jalapeno artichoke dip, and 3 grape tomatoes.

S- 1/2 cup watermelon.

D- 3 oz chicken, 1/2 oz cheddar, 1/2 slice thin cut bacon, 5 grape tomatoes, and 1 cup of lettuce, with 1 TBL light ranch.

S- Frozen, PBfit & Triple Zero Greek yogurt bites.

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Day #2

B- Iced Protein Coffee.

L- Celery stalk with Jalapeno Artichoke dip, 2 slices turkey breast rolled up with a Laughing Cow light wedge, 5 blackberries.

S- Leftover salad with 2 oz grilled chicken.

D- Taco salad; 2.5 oz 9% ground beef, 1/2 oz cheddar, tomato, green onion, 1 cup lettuce, 1 TBL light sour cream mixed with Spicy Ranch seasoning.

S- More PBfit/Triple Zero, frozen bites.

This is the day I totally caved and had a TBL of creamy peanut butter right before bed 😦

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Day #3

B- Iced Protein Coffee.

L- Leftover taco salad.

S- Celery, dip, blackberries, turkey, Laughing Cow light wedge and a few pepperoni chips (1/2 svg Hormel Turkey Pepperoni laid out on a paper towel and microwaved 45 seconds).  This was the day I was super snacky and nibbled on this plate throughout the whole day.

D- Sundried tomato pesto chicken breast with 1 oz part skim mozzarella, and 1/3 an ear of corn on the cob.

S- 1/2 container Triple Zero Greek yogurt, 1 TBL PBfit, and 1 tsp Hershey’s sf syrup, frozen in a little Dixie cup.

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Day #4

B- Protein Iced Coffee.

L- Turkey sandwich made on lengthwise slices of cucumber and rolled up like a sushi roll.

S- About 6 homemade sugar free Japanese style pickled cucumbers.

D- No noodle zucchini lasagna made with 9% ground beef, low fat ricotta, part skim mozzarella, mushrooms, spinach, onions, garlic, and low sugar marinara.

S- Triple Zero peach yogurt.

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I’m satisfied with the changes I’ve made this week and the fact that I’m staying on the right track, with my eating.  I would like to go roll around in the leftover garlic bread from last night’s dinner but…I guess that might rub some carbs off on me.  I would like to eat some crackers so that this headache would go away.  More than both of those things, I’d like to continue being healthy and liking myself a bit more than I used to. 😉

Completely off topic here…You know you’ve been married a while and you’re just generally a bit too weird when you announce, “I am the Getting Rid of Kids Ninja, fear me!  Daycare kids gone. Our kids not in the room.  Bwahahahaha.” and you get absolutely no reaction from your husband as he stares at his phone. Is he now numb to my infinite charm and wit?  Naw…couldn’t be!

Hugs and good choices to you all!

 

 

 

 

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Carbs? Who needs em? ~By: Steph

20160614_094639This is me enjoying my protein iced coffee. Yummy, better than any toast or crackers. Carbs, who needs carbs?  Not me.  I do daycare.  No stress eating there. Easy peasy. See…I didn’t get struck by lightening! Also, remind me not to drink in public.  Does my forehead always wrinkle up like that when I drink??? Why has this never been pointed out to me before.

Okay, I love my job.  I love my kiddos.  They make me laugh, keep me on my toes, drive me crazy and at times exhaust me.  Making meals for mini noise makers and serving up snacks, is tough when you’re trying to eat right and not graze.  Maybe if I fed them seafood, liver, lima beans, and canned peas, I wouldn’t be tempted to sample a bite or two. I totally see the kids responding well to that menu. Anyhow, today, that is my struggle.  I’m not hungry, I’m truly not.  I just want to eat.  Instead here I am blogging during naptime to keep myself from messing up my day!

Have you ever noticed that your kids push your limits right when you are on the brink of snapping?  The second day without carbs is definitely NOT the morning to push your mother!  Kids got up this morning, ran on time, left for their summer program. Then 5 mins. later I get the call. My son is asking me to load the daycare kids up and bring him his glasses that he forgot.  My response was, “I can’t I have kids here and 2 more on the way.  I need to be home for drop offs.” I was calm. I was nice.  I told him that they could walk back and grab them since he was still close to home.  Yeah. Then he did it.  “Thanks Mom, never mind I guess I don’t need them even though I can’t see anything in class without them.”, was his response. Right before he hung up on me.  Whew…deep calming breaths.  Who pays for the phone you just hung up on me with? Who do you think you are being a smart@$$ with me when I am not the one who left their glasses at home?  Where are you going to live when I kick your little butt out?  Let’s hear you say, “never mind I guess I don’t need them”, when I set all your video games on fire with a can of Aqua Net and a bbq lighter! Hmm…I think I was justified in my irritation.  Maybe, maybe not.  However, I also may have been a tad more fired up than I would have been if I’d had a mouthful of crackers.  By the way, he’s grounded from his phone until he learns to be respectful on it. Don’t fear, no bonfires and homeless son. GOOOOO MOM.  Wait, am I the only one cheering for myself?  Oh well.  His sister will think it’s a great plan.  Usually it’s her that’s grounded. My little angels.

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Yesterday went really well.  I ate healthy and made good choices.  Scrambled egg and a small piece (about an ounce) of steak for breakfast. Celery, jalapeno artichoke dip, grape tomatoes, and turkey for lunch. 1/2 cup of watermelon for snack.  Grilled chicken salad for dinner. Frozen PbFit and banana Triple Zero bites for evening snack. 16 cups of water to round out the day.

Still trying to decide on a dinner tonight but, 2 protein coffee shakes, the rest of my salad from last nights dinner, some watermelon and maybe another yogurt later, are on today’s menu.

20160614_075805Day 3 is usually my rough day when I’m kicking the empty carbs.  Wish me luck tomorrow.  If you pray, I’d appreciate a prayer for strength.  I know this sounds awful but, I’m dreading Bible study on Thursday.  They always include a dessert.  I’m usually good and bring my own low carb dessert.  I’m not even in a good spot for a low carb, sugar free, dessert at this point.  I need a couple of weeks without that type of food before I can reintroduce healthier versions of them.

I suppose I should go eat my salad while these kiddos are sleeping.  If I don’t I’ll be holding babies while trying to shove lettuce in my mouth, while they try to snatch it out!

Hugs to you all and here’s to fresh starts and people who understand.

 

 

 

 

 

Hard Times? Yep…I’m back again. ~By: Steph

 

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I hate that I come back here when I’m struggling.  I guess this blog is my subconscious pep talk. Today is day one of back on the wagon.  Repeat after me…Stephanie Kathleen, empty carbs ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND!  Thanks, I feel duly chastised.  I let them sneak in when my emotions are running high and they make me feel loved. Really?  Is that how I feel loved?  I have a Savior who died for me, a husband who honestly values me more than I often value myself, children who love me so much that they drive me insane…er…insaner???…that could be a word, a family who loves me and friends I can turn to.  Nope, every time I try to keep it all locked up and feed it carbs to keep it quiet.  The thing is, when that momentary emotional breakdown passes…I still keep eating carbs!

So, here I am once again telling you I screwed up and now I’m trying to make it all go away.  You don’t see that pile of nonsense I swept under the rug, do you?  The thing is, as well as I can put on the, “Nothings wrong here, nothing to see here, move along.” face.  That pile of nonsense is still there. The evidence is on the scale. Well the evidence is more on my thighs and tummy but, you catch my drift.  You can’t eat crappy foods and graze all day without consequences.  In this case, the consequences are 10 lbs I don’t want to hang out with.

I suppose the reason I keep coming back here to blog my failures, is to celebrate.  Why? Who celebrates their failures?  Me I guess.  If I’m back here blogging through my struggle, that means that I haven’t given in.  I haven’t thrown in the towel. I am determined to persevere and change my situation.  The day I decide to stop coming, “back again” and admitting my mistakes as I dust myself off, is the day I quit trying.  I pray that day never comes.  Maybe some of you will get tired of reading.  Maybe you will think, here we go again. Maybe that’s not what matters to me.  Maybe I do this so that I can help not only myself get back to my plan but, help the other people who have fallen and want to pick themselves up.  I know how alone you can feel and how you can be so abusive in your thoughts about yourself that you can’t fathom why anyone else values you at all.  You’re never alone.  My first stop is always God, then the people I’m closest to, and then it’s you.  Whoever may be reading this and needing to push through a hard moment will know that we have to keep fighting the fight, one day at a time.

It is 12:03 on day one, I am already sick of protein.  I want a damn cracker!  Hmm…have I mentioned I am crabby when I go off of carbs?  I know you’d never guess from my cheery typing. I have had egg, meat and then some more meat so far.  Looking forward to dinner.  I am making a, Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad.  I will use Greek yogurt with my ranch mix.  Grilled chicken breast, 1/2 slice of crumbled bacon, the big red tomato from my garden (I’m so excited!), a quarter of an avocado, and some lettuce and onion.  I love the idea of the lettuce, tomato and avocado.  I seriously can’t wait for them. I guess I CAN wait but, I don’t wanna. I also promise to be good and eat the chicken first. No really, pinkie swear!

I am currently on my third, 32 oz. cup of water today.  That is another thing I let slide when I’m eating poorly. I mean come on…if I filled up by drinking all of my water, where would my crackers go?  Just an FYI, Wheat Thins are a delicious, evil, member of the carb family. They seem sweet and innocent but, don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

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Isn’t she lovely? That’s a bad picture, it’s not her good side, the lighting was wrong, but, she’s absolutely perfect!!!

The weirdest thing about my “falling off the wagon” is that I LOVE healthy, fresh, foods.  I don’t know why I turn to packaged junk when I feel bad. I make delicious and healthy meals all of the time.  I love to experiment and find ways to lighten up dishes.  However, when I’m in carb mode I don’t even want to cook.

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Chicken “Nachos”

A couple of examples of things I have made lately. Chicken Nachos; 1 pound  grilled chunks of chicken breast with a chile spiced rub, 2 slices of crumbled bacon, 2 oz. of shredded sharp cheddar/Monterey Jack cheese, baked butternut squash cubes with a spice rub, and some green onion.  That was enough food for my husband and I to eat 2 meals.

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BBQ stuffed meatball and Caprese Salad in a steamed zucchini boat.

Simple half chicken, half lean beef meatballs basted with sf bbq sauce stuffed with a 1/4 oz cube of mozzarella cheese and wrapped in 1/3 slice of bacon, then baked.  Fresh mozz., grape tomatoes from the garden, fresh basil, and a little balsamic, served inside of a hallowed out and steamed zucchini half. 2 pounds of meat made 16 meatballs.

 

I am perfectly capable of feeding myself properly.  Why don’t I?

Hmm, I do want to point out that those meals were made weeks apart.  I don’t use bacon in every meal I prepare.  Says the lady making Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad, for dinner. 🙂

I end this with a plea to anyone who reads this.  This weekend there was a mass shooting in Florida.  No matter what your beliefs are, what your political affiliation, how you feel about people’s lifestyle choices, please be kind.  I have seen some of the ugliest and most hate filled rants on social media the past 24 hours. When did we become a country full of people who only feel compassion for others, IF THEY SHARE OUR BELIEFS?  It used to be, if you saw someone hurting you hurt for them, you didn’t judge them and spew your ugly hatred.  As a Christian I am so saddened that some of the hate flowing is being touted as, “in the name of God”.  Please realize that just because, some small sect is twisting God’s Word, are louder and more public, that doesn’t mean they speak for the majority. My heart hurts for those who lost partners, sons, daughters, friends, and loved ones.  My prayers are with them. Division will only make the wounds deeper.  If you pray, then please pray for those who are hurting and in need of comfort today.

Am I Self Defeating? ~By: Steph

Hmm…I am not sure about you but, I am indignant, self righteous, self critical,judgemental. Not really sure why. Not really sure at who or what I am these things.  However, I am indeed indignant, self righteous,self critical, and judgemental.  Sound familiar?  If you’re honest I bet it does, at least to some degree.  I mean come on…Target restrooms, who bakes a wedding cake and who doesn’t, the presidential candidates, dogs with painted toenails, teens with saggy pants. I’m a bad motger/wife/dog owner because, my Monster Boy and Big Guy need a haircut, Noodle didn’t clean her bathroom, The Wild Bee could pass out and be lost for a year in her room and there’s no way I could find her under that pile of clothes on her floor, my bad dog is trying to kill the other dogs by dehydration, need I go on???

Do you ever just wake up and instead of thinking, “THANK YOU GOD, for being my Savior, for another day with my family, for forgiving my self righteous internal rantings, for allowing me to have healthy kids, for giving us a home to raise our family in and providing work for my incredible Big Guy and I.”?  You instead think…”WATCH OUT WORLD, I’m in a mood!”

I have been in a mood quite frequently, lately.  I think it has to do with the conscious decision I have made to focus on my subconscious attitude and thoughts.  It makes me mad! I am a crotchety, grouchy, 119 year old porcupine on the inside.  I am not the sweet (okay stop laughing), thoughtful, semi proper, mostly sane, people pleaser, that I often present myself as.  Come to think of it, that sort of kind of makes me a big stinking liar. So now, I just realized that I’m an indignant, self righteous, old porcupine, liar.  Well that’s great!

The end.

 

 

Yeah…you know I have way more nonsensical, rantings before this blog is complete.

I think I’ve mentioned a couple of dozen times, that our current message series at church is about changing our thinking to change our behaviors and thus, transforming our lives.  (UGHHHHHH…the pricelessness of realizing as I type this that tonight is Thursday and I DID NOT DO MY BIBLE STUDY!  Guess what I’ll be doing next?  I really don’t mind because, it’s a good study but, I don’t enjoy being so last minute and rushed.)  Who am I kidding? It’s daycare naptime and I will not be doing anything except tending to waking babies after (possibly during) this blog. There’s always the 15 minutes of free time between when the kiddos leave and I have to leave for church.  🙂

Anyway…I’m pretty much rambling today.  I know…you hadn’t even noticed but, it’s true.

I have a very negative internal dialogue.  I have put myself down before other people could do it for me, for as long as I can remember.  I have incredibly poor self esteem and not a whole lot of faith in my own abilities.  Yet, I totally believe in Christ’s ability to do all things.  So, don’t those things cancel each other out?  I mean, if I believe that Christ can do all things, and I also believe I am without worth or ability then, how does that work?  He chose me, I did not say, “Woo hoo, I’m going to just run out and believe in Jesus, after spending my life being pretty hatefully against the idea of “religion.” Nope, He pretty much reeled me in, kicking and screaming.  I had no desire to “find God” but, apparently and I am so grateful for this, He had a desire for me. If I believe the God of the Universe chose me, then how do I think that I am so lacking? He makes all things new, He makes all things beautiful…well except for me.  Is that how this works? I’m the ONE exception to the rule?  Pretty big ego I have there. Right?

Focusing on my internal rantings is like holding a very dirty mirror up in front of myself.  I think that in some ways I want to be all of the ugly, hateful, thoughts that I have about myself.  It’s comfortable. It’s the home where I’ve lived for so long that I have become a part of the structure. I want to feel bad about things, about myself. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this.  We are surrounded with negativity. Righteous indignation. Moral indignation. Sexual orientation indignation. Racial indignation.  Short people indignation.  Fat people indignation.  Indignation at those who are not indignantly inclined. We almost feel good when we are mad at the waitress who dared forget the lemon in our water, the guy who cut us off when we are so obviously in more of a hurry than him, the parent who takes 27 extra seconds saying goodbye to their kid and holding up the drop off line at school.  Now take all of those feelings and multiply them by about 1,010. That gives you about the level of indignation I feel at myself on a regular basis.  I am fairly certain I am not alone in feeling like the person staring back at me from that toothpaste splattered mirror is not so great.  I really need to clean that mirror.

The worst part of all of this is that I cool down and I realize I’m being ridiculous for being mad or hateful to those other people.  I don’t let up on myself.  I don’t say, “Hey, she’s okay.  Maybe she was just having a bad day. Look at how hard she’s trying. There’s no reason to be angry with her. She’s pretty okay for the most part.”  I never say those things about myself.  Almost as if I am the worst of the worst people in the universe. Why do I think that my own vision of what I am is more accurate than God’s?  He knows things about me that I will never realize about myself. He created me and He loves me.  Am I a better judge of character than Him? Pretty sure I’m not.  I have demonstrated questionable judgement in the past.  Perms, big poofy bangs, acid washed jeans, 18 layers of mascara, and white high top aerobic shoes with Velcro. Oh crap…I demonstrated all of those 7 days a week for about the entire 4 years of high school!

Changing my mindset is something I’ve written about often.  It’s something I have thought about often.  I just really never took the time to pay attention to what was going on in my head.  I would lock on to one specific thing and it would get all of my attention.  At least until I forgot about it.  This time I am trying to stay vigilant and pray about the many things I catch myself thinking. My plan is to start writing down the negatives that go through my head each day.  That plan has been in place for about 2 weeks.  It’s a definite plan. I plan on implementing this plan.  That’s the plan. Well…at least I didn’t lie to those of you in Blog Land and say I already started on the plan!

Here’s an example of what I caught myself doing on Sunday morning, as I was getting ready for church.  I have had an outfit pinned on Pinterest for over a year.  I fell in love with this outfit and wanted to do my own spin on it.(If you don’t know what Pinterest is or think Pinterest is dumb then, I can find a Pin to send you that will educate you.)  Saturday night I picked out my clothes and laid them out.  I looked at my Pin again and decided that I had done “okay”. Sunday morning I got up, showered, got ready and got dressed.  Immediately I started comparing myself to the girl in the picture.  She’s gorgeous, that’s why the outfit looks good on her.  I didn’t use the right color of jeans, right color of shirt, my sweater is brighter, my jewelry is different, her shoes are cuter, her thighs are amazing, she’s taller, she’s curvier, I can’t compare to her.  I almost took the outfit off and just said, I can’t do this because, obviously everyone else has my Pin in their head and will know I totally butchered her outfit and look like a clown. Sat myself down, prayed and told myself that I was going to church.  It wasn’t about what I was wearing, how I looked, or if my outfit looked clownish. It was about God, not about me.  I needed to get downstairs so we could go.  My Big Guy who is generally not all up in my fashion or lack there of, declared the outfit a hit.  Without prompting he volunteered how much he liked it.  Then I had him take a pic for some friends on Facebook who like me have lost weight and often will recreate a look and show a side by side on our site.  They loved it.  I got, only positive responses.  I received several compliments at church and even my Noodle who had stated her hatred for my ugly yellow sweater, admitted it looked good.  Not one of these things outshined the fact that I had just shoved my negative self talk down and embraced how I looked, before walking out of the house.

My take on the Pinterest outfit :)

My take on the Pinterest outfit.  I was told that her blog is called, Curves and Confidence.   I am going to check it out 🙂

I know that many women are hard on themselves and have a negative body image.  I  know personally that it can become overwhelming if I allow it to.  We often see who we were in the mirror and not who we are now.  We see every flaw, every imperfection and we narrate every negative comment that anyone could throw our way, in our heads. Sunday’s message was about how that in itself is ego.  We are so full of ourselves that there is no room for others or most importantly God, in our head and hearts.  We are placing ourselves above all. So yes, I was in tears by the time service was over because, it went along perfectly with what I had felt while getting ready that morning.

I’m not really sure what this has to do with weight loss but, it has a lot to do with me. As stated above I obviously have a lot of ego! I hope that we can all take a moment and stop being upset by the things that don’t really matter.  Take an inventory of what should truly be important to us. Say kind things to ourselves and be thankful for what we have in our lives.  No strings, no if only’s, no I’ll be happy when’s, just be at peace with who you are, and the fact that you are loved, beautiful and not at all the most horrible person on earth.

 

 

 

Fajitas and Zoodles and Salad, oh my! ~By: Steph

Well, I have made it to Wednesday and not killed anyone.  Laying off of the unhealthy carbs kind of makes me feel murderous…I mean less than Mary Sunshine. This shall pass and hopefully my family will survive my mood swings and they in turn do not lock me in a closet. Personally I think mood swings are awesome. My lucky husband gets a new wife each time he walks in the door. SURPRISE, BIG GUY! At least I’m not boring to live with. Hmm…anyhow, let’s move on 😉

I’m in the zone.  Not sure exactly what zone.  I am using our pantry, freezer, and fridge like a pro. Saturday’s leftover grilled steaks became, Monday’s fajitas with fresh peppers, onions, and homemade mango salsa. Wish I’d snapped a photo of it.  It was a very colorful and pretty dish.

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Zoodles w/meatballs & sauce.

Tuesday I grabbed a container of 7% ground beef/hot Italian chicken sausage meatballs and sauce out of the freezer.  Meatballs are one of my favorite foods to make. (I used to make them with 1/2 ground turkey and 1/2 lean ground beef.  I love the chicken so much more.  It has great flavor and the texture is nicer than ground turkey.) As my friend Becky would say, “SQUIRREL!” I got sidetracked with the meatballs and forgot to mention what I made with them.  I zoodlefied (yep that’s the word I’m stickin’ with.) some zucchini, julienned red pepper/onion, sautéed them with cooking spray and seasonings, then set aside.  Added a bit of garlic infused olive oil and mushrooms to the pan and sautéed until golden.  Mixed it all together, added a couple of meatballs and sauce on top. This =’d YUMMINESS.

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Taco salad with mango salsa.

Today’s meal was the leftover mango salsa over a taco salad.  My carby indulgence besides the salsa, was black beans cooked in chicken stock, with chile, cumin and onion. They were delicious on a plain little taco salad.

Simple meals, using up what’s on hand and keeping on track.  I’ve been setting aside a portion of dinner for the next day’s lunch. Making a protein shake for breakfast. Reduced fat cheese, fruit, a slice of lunchmeat, etc have been my snacks. Yay for 3 days of good choices!

Oh, I have to mention how much I love my little appetizer plates and bowls.  I have several different ones and I love eating off of something pretty 🙂 I think my next purchase is going to be little cocktail forks. It feels weird using a fork bigger than the plate.  Using bigger plates leads me to pushing past my limit. In my head I’m still a clean your plate, kinda gal.

Trying to stay accountable and lay it all out here.  It’s a struggle to reset your eating but, we have to value ourselves enough to do it.  There’s no, “good reason”, to knowingly make frequent unhealthy choices.  We can blame our circumstances but, that won’t change anything.   We have to work for what we need. That’s what I’m once again deciding to do.

 

Honesty Sucks Sometimes ~By:Steph

Reset

I think I have “reset” myself on this journey about 5016 times…this month. Okay maybe these past 4 years.  I am happy with the fact that I do indeed have the desire and the drive to reset.  I am grateful for the strength I find in the Lord, to not just chuck everything and dive into a carb filled pool of deliciousness for the rest of my life.  Sometimes I even entertain the thought of just giving up and eating what I want and quitting the healthy rollercoaster ride.  Just when I feel like I’ve got things under control and I have changed my thinking and relationship with food, ABRACADABRA…something happens.  I know this is something I need to figure out and I’m honestly trying.

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I definitely have always had issues with depression and anxiety.  I take medication and feel okay most of the time.  Prayer has helped immensely with this struggle.  I think that if I am going to blog, I have to blog the good and the bad.  I have to share my HONEST experience not just the healthy recipes and victories. So here goes, I fell off the wagon.  Actually, I think the wagon jerked to a stop, slung me out in front of it and then ran over me. Do wagons have reverse? If so, I may have been backed over too.  I had a family member diagnosed with cancer…again.  I thought I handled it well.  I prayed, I focused on the positive, I said all of the right things to myself.  However, on the inside I think, it hit me harder.  It brought up thoughts of another family member’s diagnosis last year, and all of the emotions of that time. Depression lessens my will to resist carbs.  For the past several weeks I have been indulging in things I hadn’t eaten in months. Things I know better than eating.  I pushed through the dumping and got to the point where sugar didn’t get to me or at least I didn’t physically feel awful when I ate it.

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On Saturday night, I realized I was really struggling. I gave myself a pep talk, I prayed and decided I had to fix this.  On Sunday I heard the best possible message preached for my state of mind.  So, guess what?  RESET…again.  Yesterday went pretty well. Today is more of a struggle but, I’m doing fine.  I do admit though, I am craving those foods I am pushing out. I know that if I can get through a couple of weeks, the worn out, headachey (yep headachey), feelings of withdrawl and cravings will go away.  I just need to actually DO THIS for 2 weeks.  I think that now that I am fully aware of what was in the back of my mind and focused on it, I will be okay.  If not, I’ll be honest about that too.

That was the bad news.  The good news is I know that my God is bigger than the problems in my head.  The other good news is that my Big Guy and I actually were able to go on a very unexpected mini getaway weekend before last.  Left Saturday morning and came home Monday afternoon.  We hit a lot of coastal towns in that short time frame. It was our first getaway without the kids in 2 years. We were in need of a little couple time.  We had beautiful weather, gorgeous beaches, antique shops (yes, I’m 80 yrs old at heart), time to relax together and reconnect.  Despite my humidty hair, it was an amazing weekend that almost didn’t happen.  First I didn’t want to ask for time off on such short notice.  Then we didn’t know what to do with the kids.  Thank you to my Noodle for being an awesome big sister and watching the Bee and the Monster Boy for us.  Last, it was our month to serve as greeter’s at church so I felt super guilty calling people last minute and asking them to cover us.  It all worked out and we had the help of some really gracious people who encouraged us to go and enjoy ourselves.

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I’ll end it with this, I’m grateful that I have an amazing Big Guy who supports me and encourages me.  I have good friends who care and listen when I need to be insane for a moment.  I have healthy, amazing, pain in the rear, kids who I love to pieces. I have a family who are a blessing. I have a God who makes ALL THINGS POSSIBLE.  Even things like helping me overcome my self defeating thoughts and internal dialogue.  I am blessed beyond measure and need to focus on that and not setbacks. 

Hope you are having a wonderful week.  If you are interested in the current message series that I have been talking about, please leave a comment or message me.  I will get you the links for our church website.  Changing our thoughts is difficult, NOT impossible.

Take one small step and focus on a way to be kind to yourself at least once a day this week.  These little steps add up.

 

 

Fat head? ~ By: Stephanie

If you’re anything like me, you think that weight loss will change your thinking.   In my case it has and it hasn’t. My mind is not so friendly to me some days.

I used to sit and obsess over what I was going to eat at a restaurant.  Imagining every yummy bite of food and the big plates. Now I sit down in a restaurant and imagine all of the money I’m going to pay in comparison to what I will eat. I grocery shop for the ingredients in my head and curse the markup!

I used to get into a car and pull the seatbelt all of the way out and say a prayer it would buckle. I now get into the car without a second thought to the seatbelt.

I used to cringe at the thought of my husband or kids, friends meeting me.  I worried about how people would judge them because, of my size. I now am more open to these introductions.

I used to eye a chair or booth with skepticism, wondering if I’d fit into it or if it was strong enough to hold me. Wondering if it would look like the table was a shelf for my boobs to rest on.  I now don’t even have these thoughts or much of those things called, “boobs” without an amazing bra!  All hail underwire.

I used to avoid turnstiles like the plague. I would have happily army crawled under them if it was allowed.  When I had to go through one, I’d turn sideways and suck in my tummy. Or have to endure the shame when the person working the turnstile took pity on me and directed me to the little gate off to the side.  I now still turn sideways and have that moment of panic before going through a turnstile. Why? Who knows old habit???

I used to walk into a room and look to see if I was the biggest one there. I now walk into a room and look to see if I’m the biggest one there. SIGH…My Big Guy LOVES when I say, “Am I her size? Would I be her size if I were 4 inches taller and had hips?” these are a few of his faaaavorite things…

I used to have to do contortions to paint my toenails without passing out. I now can easily paint my toes like a normal person. I can also now see my toenails when I glance down.  That’s a pretty nifty accomplishment.

I used to look in the mirror and see someone a little smaller than I actually was.  I now look in the mirror and see someone larger than I  am. Yeah, gotta love it. I’d get rid of this mind if I wasn’t so attached to the slivers I have left of it.  I’m a mom, I lost most of that thing, years ago.

I used to wear capri pants and flip flops in the middle of winter. I didn’t own a jacket.  I now wear thermals under my jeans, topped by snow pants and 6 pair of socks, while trying to fight the urge to climb into the oven, if the temperature drops below 70.  Btw, my mind tells me I wouldn’t fit in the oven. It may actually be right this time.

I used to hate shopping for clothes, dreaded having to try them on and see myself in those evil, tri-fold mirrors. I now love shopping for clothes and trying them on.  I just wish I had a little fashion elf in my pocket, that would put it’s itty bitty hand on it’s hip and say, “Girl, don’t you even THINK about going there.” when I pick something strange.

I used to think that everything would be magically different if I just lost weight.  I now know that while many things change, we still have the same struggles as before. Only now we must learn to deal with them WITHOUT food.  I think that was one of the toughest lessons I learned in this process.  Weight loss isn’t like rubbing a genie’s lamp. If it was, I’d ask that genie to shrink and iron my birthday suit. It is a physical, and emotional process.  Relationships will be affected.  Your coping skills are affected.  The way you view yourself will be affected.

My Big Guy and I went through some serious struggles in the first 1 1/2 years after my wls. After a lifetime of being big, it felt strange to be “normal” size. I allowed people to cross boundaries because, I didn’t know how to respond to compliments.  On the outside I seemed more confident and willing to step out of my comfort zone. On the inside I was falling apart.  Dealing with life is hard when you lose the one thing that always gave you comfort…FOOD.  We had kind of split up but, like any tumultuous relationship, food kept pulling me back in.  I still was attracted to food.  I couldn’t just give food up.  We had too many years and memories together. There was a constant battle between my mind and my tummy. I was becoming very depressed. Putting on an act so that my outside seemed perfectly together.  It’s an exhausting way to live.  I pushed my husband away.  Doubted his sincerity when he complimented me.  It took a toll on our marriage.  I was trying to figure out who I was becoming and Big Guy was forced to adjust each time something changed.  I am grateful to God for holding us together and I am grateful to my husband for his willingness to go to counseling with me.  It strengthened our relationship in every way.  It definitely didn’t happen over night but, it was worth every bit of effort we put into it. We are both very aware of the fact that God worked on our marriage and our hearts.

Another hurdle I am still trying to clear is, the way I view myself.  I still see myself as larger than I am. I don’t see myself up near my highest weight but, about 40 pounds heavier than I am.  I can go to a store, try clothes on (Usually grabbing sizes too big for me before admitting I need the smaller ones.) and buy them.  Bring them home hang them up and then the panic sets in.  I look at the clothes on the hanger and can’t really grasp that they fit me.  I start to doubt myself and talk myself out of wearing them because, of how I’ll look.  Case in point, my Easter dress.  I loved it in the store.  Tried it on, got opinions, came home tried it on again and got compliments on it. Then as days went by I started freaking out about wearing it.  I was going to return it.  I’m so glad I didn’t.  I actually felt put together and pretty in it after I saw the pictures.

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You see, I don’t know what I look like aside from pictures. The person I see in the mirror and the person I see in a picture of myself are NOT the same size.  For me to truly see myself, I have to see a photograph.  I still have weight to lose and I’m okay with that. I will never have a perfectly flat tummy and I’m okay with that. We will not even talk about my arms and thighs but, I’m okay with them.  The one thing I pray will change, is my view of myself.  It’s something I am willing to work towards.

What are your non-scale related struggles, relating to your weight loss?  I think we all must have some.  Maybe not, it could just be me.  I could be unique like the majestic platypus.