Hmm…I am not sure about you but, I am indignant, self righteous, self critical,judgemental. Not really sure why. Not really sure at who or what I am these things. However, I am indeed indignant, self righteous,self critical, and judgemental. Sound familiar? If you’re honest I bet it does, at least to some degree. I mean come on…Target restrooms, who bakes a wedding cake and who doesn’t, the presidential candidates, dogs with painted toenails, teens with saggy pants. I’m a bad motger/wife/dog owner because, my Monster Boy and Big Guy need a haircut, Noodle didn’t clean her bathroom, The Wild Bee could pass out and be lost for a year in her room and there’s no way I could find her under that pile of clothes on her floor, my bad dog is trying to kill the other dogs by dehydration, need I go on???
Do you ever just wake up and instead of thinking, “THANK YOU GOD, for being my Savior, for another day with my family, for forgiving my self righteous internal rantings, for allowing me to have healthy kids, for giving us a home to raise our family in and providing work for my incredible Big Guy and I.”? You instead think…”WATCH OUT WORLD, I’m in a mood!”
I have been in a mood quite frequently, lately. I think it has to do with the conscious decision I have made to focus on my subconscious attitude and thoughts. It makes me mad! I am a crotchety, grouchy, 119 year old porcupine on the inside. I am not the sweet (okay stop laughing), thoughtful, semi proper, mostly sane, people pleaser, that I often present myself as. Come to think of it, that sort of kind of makes me a big stinking liar. So now, I just realized that I’m an indignant, self righteous, old porcupine, liar. Well that’s great!
Yeah…you know I have way more nonsensical, rantings before this blog is complete.
I think I’ve mentioned a couple of dozen times, that our current message series at church is about changing our thinking to change our behaviors and thus, transforming our lives. (UGHHHHHH…the pricelessness of realizing as I type this that tonight is Thursday and I DID NOT DO MY BIBLE STUDY! Guess what I’ll be doing next? I really don’t mind because, it’s a good study but, I don’t enjoy being so last minute and rushed.) Who am I kidding? It’s daycare naptime and I will not be doing anything except tending to waking babies after (possibly during) this blog. There’s always the 15 minutes of free time between when the kiddos leave and I have to leave for church.
Anyway…I’m pretty much rambling today. I know…you hadn’t even noticed but, it’s true.
I have a very negative internal dialogue. I have put myself down before other people could do it for me, for as long as I can remember. I have incredibly poor self esteem and not a whole lot of faith in my own abilities. Yet, I totally believe in Christ’s ability to do all things. So, don’t those things cancel each other out? I mean, if I believe that Christ can do all things, and I also believe I am without worth or ability then, how does that work? He chose me, I did not say, “Woo hoo, I’m going to just run out and believe in Jesus, after spending my life being pretty hatefully against the idea of “religion.” Nope, He pretty much reeled me in, kicking and screaming. I had no desire to “find God” but, apparently and I am so grateful for this, He had a desire for me. If I believe the God of the Universe chose me, then how do I think that I am so lacking? He makes all things new, He makes all things beautiful…well except for me. Is that how this works? I’m the ONE exception to the rule? Pretty big ego I have there. Right?
Focusing on my internal rantings is like holding a very dirty mirror up in front of myself. I think that in some ways I want to be all of the ugly, hateful, thoughts that I have about myself. It’s comfortable. It’s the home where I’ve lived for so long that I have become a part of the structure. I want to feel bad about things, about myself. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. We are surrounded with negativity. Righteous indignation. Moral indignation. Sexual orientation indignation. Racial indignation. Short people indignation. Fat people indignation. Indignation at those who are not indignantly inclined. We almost feel good when we are mad at the waitress who dared forget the lemon in our water, the guy who cut us off when we are so obviously in more of a hurry than him, the parent who takes 27 extra seconds saying goodbye to their kid and holding up the drop off line at school. Now take all of those feelings and multiply them by about 1,010. That gives you about the level of indignation I feel at myself on a regular basis. I am fairly certain I am not alone in feeling like the person staring back at me from that toothpaste splattered mirror is not so great. I really need to clean that mirror.
The worst part of all of this is that I cool down and I realize I’m being ridiculous for being mad or hateful to those other people. I don’t let up on myself. I don’t say, “Hey, she’s okay. Maybe she was just having a bad day. Look at how hard she’s trying. There’s no reason to be angry with her. She’s pretty okay for the most part.” I never say those things about myself. Almost as if I am the worst of the worst people in the universe. Why do I think that my own vision of what I am is more accurate than God’s? He knows things about me that I will never realize about myself. He created me and He loves me. Am I a better judge of character than Him? Pretty sure I’m not. I have demonstrated questionable judgement in the past. Perms, big poofy bangs, acid washed jeans, 18 layers of mascara, and white high top aerobic shoes with Velcro. Oh crap…I demonstrated all of those 7 days a week for about the entire 4 years of high school!
Changing my mindset is something I’ve written about often. It’s something I have thought about often. I just really never took the time to pay attention to what was going on in my head. I would lock on to one specific thing and it would get all of my attention. At least until I forgot about it. This time I am trying to stay vigilant and pray about the many things I catch myself thinking. My plan is to start writing down the negatives that go through my head each day. That plan has been in place for about 2 weeks. It’s a definite plan. I plan on implementing this plan. That’s the plan. Well…at least I didn’t lie to those of you in Blog Land and say I already started on the plan!
Here’s an example of what I caught myself doing on Sunday morning, as I was getting ready for church. I have had an outfit pinned on Pinterest for over a year. I fell in love with this outfit and wanted to do my own spin on it.(If you don’t know what Pinterest is or think Pinterest is dumb then, I can find a Pin to send you that will educate you.) Saturday night I picked out my clothes and laid them out. I looked at my Pin again and decided that I had done “okay”. Sunday morning I got up, showered, got ready and got dressed. Immediately I started comparing myself to the girl in the picture. She’s gorgeous, that’s why the outfit looks good on her. I didn’t use the right color of jeans, right color of shirt, my sweater is brighter, my jewelry is different, her shoes are cuter, her thighs are amazing, she’s taller, she’s curvier, I can’t compare to her. I almost took the outfit off and just said, I can’t do this because, obviously everyone else has my Pin in their head and will know I totally butchered her outfit and look like a clown. Sat myself down, prayed and told myself that I was going to church. It wasn’t about what I was wearing, how I looked, or if my outfit looked clownish. It was about God, not about me. I needed to get downstairs so we could go. My Big Guy who is generally not all up in my fashion or lack there of, declared the outfit a hit. Without prompting he volunteered how much he liked it. Then I had him take a pic for some friends on Facebook who like me have lost weight and often will recreate a look and show a side by side on our site. They loved it. I got, only positive responses. I received several compliments at church and even my Noodle who had stated her hatred for my ugly yellow sweater, admitted it looked good. Not one of these things outshined the fact that I had just shoved my negative self talk down and embraced how I looked, before walking out of the house.
I know that many women are hard on themselves and have a negative body image. I know personally that it can become overwhelming if I allow it to. We often see who we were in the mirror and not who we are now. We see every flaw, every imperfection and we narrate every negative comment that anyone could throw our way, in our heads. Sunday’s message was about how that in itself is ego. We are so full of ourselves that there is no room for others or most importantly God, in our head and hearts. We are placing ourselves above all. So yes, I was in tears by the time service was over because, it went along perfectly with what I had felt while getting ready that morning.
I’m not really sure what this has to do with weight loss but, it has a lot to do with me. As stated above I obviously have a lot of ego! I hope that we can all take a moment and stop being upset by the things that don’t really matter. Take an inventory of what should truly be important to us. Say kind things to ourselves and be thankful for what we have in our lives. No strings, no if only’s, no I’ll be happy when’s, just be at peace with who you are, and the fact that you are loved, beautiful and not at all the most horrible person on earth.