Hello Friends. I have also been bad at keeping up with things on here. Being busy would be a lie. I have had stuff to do but the real reason for my disappearance is simply not wanting to share. That is selfish…….sorry.
I have gained a bunch from my friendship with Stephanie. One of the biggest things is a roadmap to being honest and telling a few secrets here and there.
A month back I participated in the 5K event I had previously spoken about. It was a catastrophe and it was great at the same time.
Many things went bad leading up to it. I fell down a large flight of stairs that interrupted my training. The back and knee got cranky. The 9 days directly before it were just too hot to properly train without putting myself at health risk. I wanted to anyways but what can you do when mommy hides your shoes?
As I am a nutcase the night before was filled with anxiety and voices in the head. I laid in bed all night watching the dog Vin snore. At best I slept 45 minutes. As the race started I whispered to my race companions that I hope I can do this on no sleep. Not sure if they knew I wasn’t joking.
The local magic-eight-ball-weatherman had predicted the weather would break that morning. He was wrong.
I was not aware that runners and walkers (4000 total) would start at the same time all mixed up in one group. As I stood there I strangely felt that I had done enough to prepare for this. I had not. The first mile was zig-zagging around walkers which resulted in a pace much faster than I was capable of. Being not a rocket scientist I also did not factor in the fact that half of the course was up hill. Let us consider that a learning experience.
I ran most of two miles and was completely out of gas. Didn’t know if I was going to pass out or have unwanted stuff come out of my mouth first. I did the adult thing and walked for a while. I really didn’t want to but in retrospect I am very glad I did.
On a positive note I completed the race and covered the 5K in 49 minutes. Slow for sure but within a few minutes of my personal best so it wasn’t like I mailed it in completely.
So, I mentioned it was great. It was and here is why. I did it with my excellent nephew and awesome sister. The support they gave me was incredible. Every once in a while they would call another sibling who wanted to be there and couldn’t. it was like they were running right there next to me. It kind of choked me up a little if I am being honest.
I have admitted to being a Milwaukee Brewers nerd a few times on here. This event was located at Miller Park in Milwaukee. It was the sausage race 5K. At the two mile mark we entered the ballpark in the media entrance and ran the entire length of the warning track. This was amazing to me for a few reasons. The adrenaline was so intense I can’t describe it. They had players and coaches with taped messages of encouragement on the big video board. It was a thrill for me. My sister and I cried like little girls at a new Kids on the Block concert. (or 40 year old women at the reunion tour)
The adrenaline wasn’t the only thing. Here is where being honest beyond my comfort zone comes in to play. Running through this place meant a lot to me for another reason. Miller Park has been open for a long time and despite being a tremendous fan I hadn’t ever been there until this year.
My progress allowed me to attend my first game in person earlier this season. Doing this event in particular and actually running through this baseball park represented so much for me and it truly felt like the greatest thing in the world right when it was happening.
The weeks leading up to this also represented challenging times. My eating got out of control and I stopped being honest with myself and others about it. The scary part is I really didn’t understand I was doing it until a couple weeks went by. This trend lasted about another 7 days after the race. During this time i stopped stepping on the scale.
I am naive in this regard as I was shocked to find I had gained 17.5 pounds. The worst part is what I lost in this process. Which was three years of confidence and self-control.
The day I returned to my good habits started out with about four hours of complete uncontrolled fear. I do not expect that anyone who hasn’t had a massive weight problem to understand. I was afraid that this quest to become healthy was over for me. I really had no confidence that I could stop eating shitty food at an alarming rate. I still have no idea how this happened. It didn’t make any sense and it still doesn’t.
The only reason I started to make changes in my life was because i became too fat to exist. I couldn’t walk and or take care of myself. That is sad and pathetic to me but it is also true. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was headed back to those days and that it seemed like I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
Then something corny saved the day. I was watching an old TV show that I have seen too many times to admit. The coach of the high school football team is trying to help his former player get past a knee injury and the player asked him why he cares so much to put in so much effort to help him. The reply was because I need something good to happen right now.
If this makes me a dork then please sign me up. That line locked me in again. I needed something good to happen and I needed it right then.
Things are going awesome since. I have lost the gained weight plus about five pounds and I am a pound away from a total loss of 300.
That isn’t even the good news. I feel great and I have ALL of the confidence.
I have finally progressed to the point that I will now call myself a runner. I do not mind saying that I am kicking ass with it. Doing a 5K is no longer a hurdle. I have run that distance non stop with gas left in the tank four times this week. I have 42 miles in for August. I no longer try to run.
The big picture has changed for me. It used to be a race to 220 pounds. A slow one over three years but in my head it was a race. I do not feel that way any more. Of course I want to get to that point and I will celebrate it when it happens but it no longer represents the end of the road. Thinking that way indicates that something will change at that number. That can’t be the way it is. These habits are with me for the rest of the movie. They have to be because I am not giving back the confidence and the control.
Thanks and bye. -Clint