First off I would like to mention that my daughter went to her Senior Prom on Saturday. She looked lovely and it was kind of “sigh worthy” seeing the kids get into the limo and take off. She’s moving at breakneck speed and I miss the little girl she was yesterday. Luckily as you can see from the photo she’s still in there somewhere 🙂
Last week I went to two different support groups. They were both really great and really different. We have a new nutritionist at the first one and she is shaking the whole support group up and making it more fun and interactive, yet leaving us with a lot of information at the same time. I admitted my weight regain and told everyone about my plans to reverse it. Went home and felt ok about it. At the second one I was sitting in group listening to several ladies and gentlemen telling their stories of people sabotaging or judging them because, they knew they had surgery. I spoke up to say that I really felt that my issues were more internal than external. I again admitted my regain and then it happened, the tears came and I blurted out, “Since I went public with my surgery it’s like I am trying to prove all the critics right. Like I wanted to reinforce their preconceived notion that this was going to fail like everything else.” It stunned me and the tears started flowing. I had no idea that was going to come out of my mouth. I had no clue that, that was the trigger for my spiral out of control. I’m not sure what made it surface or why it happened at that moment but, it was freeing and defeating at the same time. It isn’t the bad anniversaries that are all starting to hit, it wasn’t just lack of self control, it was genuine fear of success and people knowing about my hard work to find it. When I finished speaking several of the group were in tears and the therapist who runs it started directing helpful information my way. It came down to crossing boundaries. I have a fear of people getting too close and of people knowing me too well. Go figure as I blog away…even though I feel as though I’ve conquered much of it, that is on the surface allowing me to do stuff like blog or meet with others to discuss my story. This fear was deeper inside and more crippling. I needed to establish boundaries within myself. I needed to stop allowing my mind to mistreat me and to convince me to fail.
I’m not sure how I will go about this but, as I begin to recognize it I am becoming more and more aware of how easy it is for me to allow it. It’s going to be a long road and I’m sure you’ll hear more about it in the future. Right now I have to figure myself out and manage to stay on track at the same time.
Mother’s Day was an excellent day. We woke up got ready and headed out to church. But, not before I received two of the cutest presents from two of the cutest elementary school kids I know. My Ebby made me a construction paper portrait of myself complete with blond highlights in it’s hair and uplifting statements of the reasons she loves me and the things I do for her. My Jo-jo made me a sweet dancing flower in a pot and a little note. Later the family (meaning my incredible husband) brought out a beautiful oval vase for the flowers he brought home on Friday, a drink dispenser for parties and entertaining, and a pair of workout pants which were a bit too big! It’s always nice to have things be too big instead of too small 🙂
We had my Mom, Brother and Grandma (Mom-mom) over for a healthy lunch of salad, grilled steak or chicken pesto sandwiches with fresh watermelon slices. We had freshly sliced (by Ebby) strawberries and light Cool Whip for dessert. It was a light, healthy and fabulous lunch and time with family. Clean up was easy and after lunch the kids hit the pool as it was 102 degrees here. That evening after company had left I changed into my swimsuit and hit the pool with the kids. I swam 100 laps for my workout challenge of the day. I had no idea how many actual “real laps” that would equal but, it felt great and I was good and tired afterward. We also did our segment on the radio show Sunday evening and then called it a night after making up lunches for today.
I am truly blessed by the family that God has allowed me. I am also blessed with the opportunity He has given me to change my life. Maybe it was never His intention that I only lose weight but, His plan also included the ability to let go of the things within myself that hold me back in life. I’m working on it and praying about it. I have great faith that it will happen.
Thanks for reading and please leave a comment if you have any questions or advice.
P.S. I am on Day 1/Week 3 of C25K and feeling good about my progress. I’m glad I was pushed (CLINT) to get back to it!