Losing 142 pounds sounds daunting. Losing it with weight loss surgery sounds like an easy fix. Getting to the point where you need to lose so much weight sounds disturbing. When you are morbidly obese, everyone has the “perfect diet” for you. There are 50 new diets each month and each of them promises to be The One. It’s ridiculous that anyone is overweight with all these options. Right? Well, that’s the way I would make myself feel when I decided I had to try again to lose weight. Then I would feel like a total failure when the fad diet or wonder pill didn’t work for me. Logically I knew that watching an infomercial wasn’t going to be my AH HA moment but, it didn’t stop my heart from hoping.
The things that didn’t work for me are on a very long list. I tried eating volume foods like soups, veggies, and grains. I tried Atkins, Weight Watchers and 50 others in between. I can’t even say I blame the eating plans for my not losing weight. I just didn’t have control over my food intake. I would start something and be totally dedicated for the first 5 days or so and then it would fall by the wayside. I’d start exercising and then give it up over the most minor things, too hot, too cold, too boring, too hard, too easy, too much work! Nothing worked because, I wasn’t allowing it to. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for it to work. I was setting myself up for failure by not learning about myself.
What works for me is basic…I have to self monitor. Seems simple enough, right? Well, let’s look at that statement. What is self monitoring to you? To me it’s not a small thing at all. I have to transfer my compulsion for food to something else. In my case what works is logging my food. Clint and I met on My Fitness Pal it’s one of many fine, online, food and exercise logging websites. It’s basically Facebook for people who are tracking what they eat and how much activity they get. I have to weigh, measure and log every half of a bite, nibble, or smidgeon of food that goes into my mouth. I become obsessed with this. Clint sort of has a field day with my food diary. It brings him great pleasure to see me log 3 grapes, 1/16 of a banana, 1 1/2 bites, whole wheat toast and a raisin. Ok more like 2 oz 1% milk, 1/3 of a taco and 1 peanut M&M w/o peanut. I am addicted to it. If I fail to log sometimes, it will make me so crazy that I can’t sleep. Is this normal? Is this healthy? Umm…I’d venture to say, “NO!” Is it what I need to do? YES!!! So sure, after losing 75 pounds on my own, I had surgery (which btw slowed down my weight loss) but, I am still obsessed with calorie counting and logging my meals. I have actually had full blown anxiety attacks on nights when I didn’t get a workout in. Sounds kind of crazy I know but, is there anything sane about how I gained all that weight? I didn’t have a lobotomy, I am still me inside. I was obsessive before, I’m obsessive now! Seriously yesterday’s lunch reads like this…10 restaurant tortilla chips, 2 TBL guacamole, 3/4 shredded beef taco w/o shell, 2 TBL salsa. (Yes, I’m aware I ate 10 damn tortilla chips! I have no restraint around warm, crispy carbs, placed directly in front of me!)
I often wonder if there will ever come a time where I don’t have to stay accountable to myself by logging all my food. At this point I can’t see a time where I will be without my food log. I can’t predict the future but, I definitely do not want to revisit the mistakes of my past. For now, I log on….
Figuring myself out a tiny bit at a time,