Many of us have it. That reoccurring dream that we aren’t really fat. That we will wake up and it will have just been a disturbing fantasy. We aren’t really trying to cram our fluffy bodies into clothes that cut into our skin. That we really don’t get out of breath putting our shoes on in the morning. What happens when you get your wish? When you wake up and your body is suddenly (ok not so suddenly but, it sounds nice) “normal” sized.
What do you do when you’ve thought about and seen yourself one way your entire life and then ***poof*** you’re different? For me it happened all at once. I always hit this point. I’m good until people start noticing my weight loss. Then my mind starts racing and I start scrambling to cope.
The Good- I went shopping and bought cute clothes that fit me and didn’t make me want to cry! I became a more active mom. I became umm…a more fun wife 😉
The Bad- Emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows.
The Ugly- SKIN 😦
There are a lot of “good” things that are happening to me. I am able to wear the clothes I’d always tried to avoid eye contact with at the store. The clothes I’d always fantasized about carrying into the dressing room and slipping over my hips and tummy. I run and play with my kids and I don’t feel like an embarrassment to them in front of their friends. I feel sexy and more confident as a woman and that translates to a very happy husband. People don’t look at me with pity or disgust and then avert their eyes anymore. They don’t look past me now, they look at me. They smile, make eye contact and initiate conversations. I’m more open and comfortable engaging in conversations with people. Most days I don’t mind being “seen”, except when I’m doing something incredibly dumb which is the case way too often.
The “bad” for me is also part of the being “seen”. I’m used to blending into the background and quickly forgotten. Now people (male and female) talk to me and approach me. It’s a strange feeling for the girl who spent her life hiding behind her weight. Some days I am confident and quirky (okay weird but, quirky is much nicer!) and other days, I’m terrified of the new attention. There are times I can go a day or two not thinking about my weight or the way I look. Then there are the days I realize I’m walking way around things, avoiding turnstiles, pulling my seatbelt out way too far, or giving my new clothes (as my co-blogger puts it) the stink-eye because, I know that nothing that size could fit on this body! I still feel like the fat girl. I still look around a room to see if I’m the largest one there and often can’t tell because, my perception of myself is that far off. I look at pictures of myself and think, “Oh yeah that’s nice but, it’s just a good picture. That’s not really what I look like.”
The “ugly” is the scariest part for me. It’s the things beyond my control. Skin is one of the funnier examples of this. I lost a lot of weight after being overweight my entire life. Hello my name is Stephanie and I have elephant skin and as my wls buddy S.A. says, “I can make my tummy skin look like a butt if I push it together!” That’s the physically ugly stuff, the thing that I can take rather lightly (some days). Then there’s the truly ugly stuff. I’m scared, not scared, TERRIFIED of not knowing who I am at this weight. Imagine when I hit goal??? I can’t, because, I’m freaking out now, so losing more is paralyzing! This is where my wls surgery is going to come in handy. I have to work through these issues and find a way to deal with them or I WILL go back to being unhealthy and incredibly overweight. My prayer is that the surgery is going to give me the time I need, to deal with the emotions of weight loss without regaining it all back. I need to be able to handle the emotions in the moment they are happening, not regain all the weight, and then “work through” my remembered emotions. It just hasn’t worked in the past and I needed a new game plan. So here I go…making the “ugly” disappear little by little and regaining my LIFE and NOT my weight!
When I posted the before and current pictures at the beginning of this blog, I told you that you might be surprised at what they make me feel. Well here it is, the before makes me feel like myself, ashamed and yet comfortable. The current makes me feel fearful and yet grateful. As happy as I am to be at this weight and working toward my goal, that fear haunts me. I am going to conquer it before this journey concludes!